Friday, February 5, 2010

TUBA PLAYERS ARE SEXY: TEN QUESTIONS WITH JOHN "STONE HANDS" SLAMSBURG


1.) You are a Tasty-Kake loving Philadelphia Phillies fan, but your wife and two kids are all New York Yankees fans. What was it like inside your home during the World Series?
It was horrible. To watch the Phillies fall apart as my family glorified in their ineptitude brought my mind to the precipice of insanity.
What's worse is that my wife, who banged pots out the window when the Phillies won the 2008 series, proudly sat quietly next to me as I watched Howard fail over and over and over and over and over. This year, she danced the silent dance alone.

2.) Describe David Akers in one word:
Sublime.
3.) Will Donovan McNabb be quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles next season?
I'm going to go with Coach on this one - Yes. Seriously - having two 1st string QB's plus Kolb? Who wouldn't want that, except maybe PETA?

4.) You played the tuba in the University of Richmond pep band. In the pep band hierarchy, which musician gets more props: the tuba player or the slide trombone player? And which one gets more ladies?
Seriously, you need to ask? Tuba on both counts. If by Props you meant taunted mercilessly by everyone at every single sporting event, and if by Ladies you mean rocks thrown at you during the Hanover Halloween parade.

I did get my rear-end grabbed by another school's majorette, which was cool and almost made up for the "TOOOOOOO BAAAAAAA" chants at football games. Besides, Trombonists were called Boners - try to live that one down as a high school freshman. And no, Band Camp is not like that at all.


5.) What do you think of the Roy Halladay / Cliff Lee trade?
So we still have one near automatic 9-inning pitcher. Great. What do we do about the other 3 games?

6.) If you had a novelty license plate, what would it say? RAUL

7.) Your mates from your championship winning English soccer team call you "Stone Hands Ramsburg". Please explain.
I was the token American goal keeper for our 3peat championship football team. I think they were more excited about someone who actually preferred staying in goal than anything else. They called my "The Hands" or John "The Cat" or my favorite - "How the F*@#&! Hell did you let that through? For Christ's sake!"

As for "Stone Hands" I think you are confusing nicknames with my other football career, as the 5th string TE for the MNHS Tigers. I recall being called the "slowest *%^!( on the field, and that I should stick to blocking." That is about the same time I joined the marching band.

8.) It appears your male offspring is developing into a left-handed thrower. This is a commodity. How will you help him capitalize on this? Are you prepared to tape his right arm to his side and force him to throw 50 baseballs through a tire each day?
To be perfectly honest, I think I'll be the one asking him to take a break so he can eat. The kid loves balls. We play baseball, basketball, football, and soccer for about 90% of play time. He can already whip a ball across the room, and was batting about a .190 over the summer. He drop kicks, place kicks, and passes. He loves scoring goals in our makeshift net, even asking me to be the "goa keepa".

He stands up for Arsenal, sings the Eagles fight song, and would body check his friend Chase into the boards if we let him watch Hockey. So Yes, but I wouldn't have too. I just hope he has this much fun when he's 12, 22, or 32.

9.) What was your most meaningful moment in sports, either as a fan or player?
I was "traded" from the best little league team to the worst one year - the other team needed players. The next game was against my old team, and I caught what would have been the first home run of the game - just yanked that line drive right out of the air at the fence. Vindication felt great.

10.) If you could be any Philadelphia sports star (athlete, coach, personality), who would it be and why?
Merill Reese. Hands down the best announcer. EVER.

BONUS QUESTION: If you could choose a theme song for yourself, what would it be?

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