As the postseason approaches, may Philly sports writers are focusing on important things like the bullpen, jockeying for home field advantage, the rotation, Chase Utley's fatigue, Cliff Lee's apparent lapse into mere humanness - and the list goes on ad infinitum.
In light of all that, I wanted to offer a new thread to the Phillies postseason dialogue: Which players should Pedro drill in the back?
Pedro is - straight from the mouth of Amaro Jr - the smartest player on the team. By that he means, "Pedro knows you have bully teams into submission to win Championships". And, Pedro has the biggest balls in the clubhouse. Wasn't it him who said, "I'd brush back my grandmother if she was crowding the plate"? Badass.
So yeah, given all we know about Pedro, and given how much I love having the guy on the team, I want to offer up some suggestions on players he should peg with pitches this postseason. I'm assuming a postseason schedule of Rockies in the NLDS, Cards in the NLCS, and NY in the World Series.
NLDS against the Rockies:
1.) Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper - That's right Hickenlooper, you carpetbagging traitor. Formerly a Haverford School Ford and native of Philadelphia's Main Line area, Hickenlooper can now be seen in a plush luxury box at Coors Field wearing his stupid expansion team hat and stuffing his face with Buffalo testicles. It will be difficult to arrange this, Pedro, but you'll find a way. Peg him in his stupid groinal region. (here's a photo of Hickentraitor celebrating something stupid with the Rockies.)
2). Troy Tulowhateverthefuckski - I hate this little pest. Stupid name, stupid face. Plus he's my nemesis in fantasy baseball. Every time I play against him he comes off a quiet week and then hits about 5 HRs and steals 15 bases in three days. Peg him in the elbow, Pedro.
3.) Jorge De La Rosa - He looks like bizarro Benicio Del Torro and should be punished for it. Plus I can smell his cologne through the TV. This guy hangs out in laundramats sucking on lollipops while reading the abridged version of the old testament. Pig him in the facebone, Pedro.
4.) The rest of the lineup, except Todd Helton - I love Todd Helton bc he's old and classy, but the rest of them should be punished for getting hot right at the perfect time again - and giving me nightmares of that horrible sweep two years ago. Cmon' Pedro, knock em down one by one.
NLCS against St. Louis:
1.) Ryan Franklin - Since when did you get good? Remember when you were on the Phillies and you sucked worse than 6 fingered Alfonseca? Oh, you don't remember? Let me remind you: 1 Win, 5 Losses and 1 Blown Save over 53 innings. And now all of a sudden you have 38 saves and 1.95 ERA. Damn you. We could use you now. Pedro will find you in the clubhouse and beam your throwing hand with a 92mph fastball.
2.) Tony La Rusa - The genius manager who bats his pitcher in the 8-hole and wears a ballet shirt. Tony gets too much media love and needs a Pedro bruise to bring him back to reality. It's not hard to win your division and make the playoffs when all you have to do is remind the Cubs that they aren't allowed to win and the Brewers that dreams don't come true in real life. This is a tough one bc I respect La Russa a lot, but Pedro needs to send a message to the entire St. Louis organization: We will not be intimidated by smart people.
3.) Skip Schumaker - Skip is a dog's name.
4.) Matt Holliday - Screw you for sucking in the AL and then being good again in the NL. You just add fuel to the fire that the NL is weak, even though we are World Series champs. You make me sick with your partisan approach to batting, and you must be punished. Pedro will peg you in your giant cartoonish jaw.
5.) Carpenter and Wainwright - Enough about these two already. So what if they're good? Who cares? When did ESPN decide to vomit sperm all over their player cards? As far as I remember, the Phillies rocked Wainwright for 7 runs in 6 innings, and the Phillies were 4-1 aginst the Cards this year. Just hurt people, Pedro. I don't even care who it is - just not Pujols because when he gets mad he does bad things to Brad Lidge.
6.) Okay, Pujols - Nevermind that last comment about Pujols. Upon further review, he needs to be punished for damaging the psyche of our great reliever. It all comes to Pujols, doesn't it? That fabled swing, the HR, the season crushing moment that almost ruined Lidge's career - before he came to Philly and had the PERFECT season. But latey Lidge is having nightmares of Fat Albert's thick thighs in the batter box, waiting for him to deliver the pitch so he can send it to the moon. . .again. . .Peg him, Pedro. Peg him twice and bring our closer back to life.
World Series vs the NY Yankees:
1.) A-Rod - We don't have to explain this, do we? A-Rod is an asshole, plain and simple. Every pitcher should peg him. Not only is he an arrogant turd, he looks like a date-raping pedophile. Yes, he's unbelievably talented, but he's the biggest wank on a team full of pinstriped stroke artists. Peg him every time he steps up to the plate, Pedro. Each hit-by-pitch will be part of his public sentencing for shaming the game of baseball and ruining his hero status for millions of little kids when he lied, lied, lied and lied some more about his PED experience. The guy is worse than Terrell Owens in the insincerity department, and his ego is about as big as the stadium he plays in. Humility is king, A-Rod, just look at Pujols for an example of that. He's role model material. You're just a self-obsessed prick with a boner for Madonna circa 1993. And you take corny photos, proof:
2.) Johnny Damon - You know you want to peg him for sleeping with the enemy. Plus you miss his long hair and his scruffy beard, don't you? It's okay, Pedro, you can hurt him.
3.) Mark Teixeira - Another fantasy nemesis and all around beast of baseball along the same lines of Pujols. Mostly I am just scared of him. He's so big and quiet. It's unnatural, and unnerving. Peg his earhole, Pedro.
4.) C.C. Sabathia - Swarthy, fat body pitcher who belongs in 1970's porn, not MLB. He's got great stuff but he looks like a mix between a garbage pale kid and the groundhog from Caddyshack. Not too worried about him, though, since the Phillies lit him up last year in the Playoffs. Remember us C.C.? You gave up 5 runs and lasted only 3.2 innings against us. Ouch. And you gave up a Grand Slam to Victorino - POI Power! I hope we get another shot at you this year. I really do. And I hope Pedro pegs you, more as a reminder that you're not a hall of famer - you're just another sellout player who could have been great but decided instead to play for the Yankees. Boo hoo hoo.
So that's it. Get to work Pedro!
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